Archive | June, 2012

CombiCritters!

29 Jun

All we have to write about these days is our trip to Norwich almost a month back. I’m 49 so no youngster and during the course of the Now or Never Drinking Session I mentioned to one stripling that we Bypass folk were going to see Combichrist live at the Electric Ballroom in London. Now a nice chap though he was, he clearly couldn’t get his head round a 49 year old public servant engaging in this sort of thing. Go do a Google on Combichrist and you might get an idea of what I’m on about.

Anyway last night six of us set off in a Volkswagen people carrier thing to Camden. I opted to forego any form of food (not good) in order to appy weird make up to myself then Debbs and Gill (getting over a back operation). Latest Bypass gang member Di turned up looking like Sandy from the film Grease (woo woo woo!) so hair was backcombed, facial stripes applied and general slap applied and then 20 mins late Mister Pierre arrived so looking like a bunch of circus people we headed down the A1 with a car full of kids clearly having a gawp at the Biggleswade roundabout.

Stormin, tops, pounding, bass, dark, feckin great, wow, can I live here, no I’m not going home, you look nice, Red Bull with cider please, I’m hungry, I don;t feel well.

12.30am, Pierre’s navigating skills aren’t up to what we actually needed to get to the A1 and we end up on the M1. There’s a bottle of cola and vodka being passed around, Pierre is warbling about reincarnation, S in the drivers seat is clearly getting pissed off at the inane giggling and then one of us makes an urgent announcement. The female bladder isn’t as robust as legend suggests and there’s a James Bond 007 dash to get to the ladies loo at Toddington Services. Much giggles from the male contingent (S and Pierre).

One of the nicest feelings in life apart from telling your boss that she’s as much use as a blocked drain is a having a big wee when you are at bursting point. Gill shouts over the dividing wall “How was it for you babe?”.

More giggles. It’s a girl thing I suppose.

No! there are three strict vegetarians in the VW and we aren’t going to call in at KFC on the Interchange Park.

Di literally falls out of the car, husband Chris is at the door trying not to look pissed off. Giggles…night night!. Drop Mister Pierre off at Shortstown. Gill and wayward daughter Debbs next on the far side of town. My sister in law is a shining star!

We arrive home at 1.45am, one of us, S behind the wheel is stone called sober (bad habit) and I’m totally scorched. Wizz our lurcher shaped Bypass member is at the door and sort of pleased to see us in a humph sort of way and within seconds I’m climbing the stairs in a fairly shambolic way.

As the two “oldest” peeps that contribute to Bedford Bypass (and this is my first direct contribution as I usually edit swear words and bad voodoo bits out) I have to ask myself are we getting a tad too old for this sort of carry on?

No!

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One for the lads!

27 Jun

Plenty of football frenzied cheap lager related trouble after the England V Italy match in town a day or so back as our “boys” support their heroes by attacking Italian owned cars!

Here’s some “hot” news designed to get our testerone fueled mindless dickheads raging with desire.

Pneumatic breasted intellectual Jodie Marsh has bobbed by to visit an arm wrestling event in town.

Now I appreciate the female form but unless I’m mistaken Jodie (below) seems to have been hit by gamma rays or bitten by something radioactive to the point where a lead part in the next Star Trek must surely be in the offing!

Anyway on behalf of all those who like to get tanked up and go around hitting people and damaging cars because several footballers missed the open bit of the net, I’d like to say a big muscle bound thank you to Jodie for brightening up Bedford.

SHe has an interesting wiki biog. I just love celebrity tittle tattle/ I don’t know what I’d do without it to cheer up my bland vacuous life.

If you build it they will come!

27 Jun

Bit of a no brainer really! Create a brand new school with 200 pupils from across a wide area at one of the busiest junctions in town and you are going to add to the already chaotic traffic scene!

It’s all kicked off in the last few weeks and unless you read the fine print you could be forgiven for thinking the Bedford Free School was signed sealed and delivered but with a few months to go it’s been refused planning permission due to concerns over traffic issues. Mark Lehain isn’t happy! Mark is Principle Designate which sounds like some ruler from a Dr Who planet but it’s actually a posh term for Headmaster. Mark in case we forgot was the main advocate for the Free School in Bedford and was so incredibly lucky enough to get the top job after a rigorous interview by fellow supporters. Mark is so angry that in what amounts to an “up yours you tossers” approach, he’s stated the school will open anyway. Try doing this if you are a kebab shop owner!

Mighty Principle Designate of Skaro

Mighty Principle Designate of Skaro

A few ups and downs along the way, media manipulation, threats that Councillors could be held personally responsible if they reject the plan and it has to go to appeal. Usually a fairly spineless bunch, in this case those councillors on the committee voted four to three and said no! Actually what is likely to happen is that the whole pack will go to ground, revisions will be submitted and an 11th hour go ahead will hit the headlines soon.

Then will come the traffic chaos regardless!

I don’t like the Free School concept. It takes education from publci control and puts it the hands of an elite self elected minority. It also takes funding away from mainstream education and further confuses the picture of education leaving a fractured system serving the remaining majority. There’s no such thing as a free school!

England V Italy

24 Jun

I have no interest whatsoever in competitive sports. I find football tedious. My dad tried to stoke the fire by taking me to see Man Utd three times in 1972. Failed.

Now England are playing Italy as I write. This relates to Bedford as we have a massive Italian population and whenever the win any football match they ensure that we all know as they drive round beeping horns and just..well..let us know that despite being second or third generation, they still dream of home. Its all very good natured and I guess it’s more to honour their parents and grandparents.

When England win the locals celebrate by getting tanked up, waving their fists, maybe head butting each other and invariably the police get called in.

I was in town earlier, the pubs were getting ready for a bonanza and the police were likewise gearing up for the aftermath because either way it’s a case of winners and losers. Down to penalties at this moment, I’m going out with Wiz, our lurcher shaped team member, we may hear owls, possibly a fox.

Cameron is threatening those under 25 and on housing benefit. Bastard, stuck up, silver spoon chomping bastard. Story all over a compliant media 24 hours before he even makes his speech. If anything should get crowds of people on the streets it should be this. But it won’t. It will be a targetted campaign using terms such as layabouts, scroungers, single mums and all the usual scapegoating.

No mention of a young teenager escaping an abusive past. Coming out of rehab and trying to get work that doesn’t involve selling burgers on minimum wage for just 20 hours a week and just wanting pride and self respect.

The need to get these people into work rather than relying on state benefits is the mantra but where’s the soddin jobs Dave, we have 1000 people applying for 140 jobs in yet another bloody out of town supermarket and its down the same trick as in the football match…winners and losers!

No pictures this time!

Happy Days!

22 Jun

Nothing much happening round Bedford. There’s been a sexual assault by the river, someone’s had a boot in their face, that stupid Mayor’s keeping quiet about disastrous cuts to the childrens services whilst being the hard man and fining shopkeepers for loading their vans, the usual bollocks. I’ve been remembering my concert going days back in Manchester, late 1970s. “Tell us about the olden days please” say the kids! “Oh do tell us about being gobbed on, I wish we could have been there!

Me and my mates Pete H, Keith M, Rob C and Rob K although too young to get into the concert proper worked out that it was fairly easy to sneak into the sound check in the afternoon. We migrated up the level of “cheek” a year or so later by walking in with a reel of electrical cable and gaffer tape. Dead easy and we saw Public Image, Ultravox (Mark 1) Buzzcocks, Devo, X Ray Spexs, Human League before they went girly, Souixsie before the big split, even The Police, allsorts. The we had a splendiferous bunch of piss takers called Albertos Y Los Trios Paranois who were magic and never recovered from the death of lead guitarist Les Prior. Head “Bert” can still be seen across the City! Back in 1980 I was the first to get a driving licence and a car so the list of clubs to be blagged into increased and dole money would be spent on tickets, Rafters, the Apollo (the biggy), Russell Club, New Order at The Ritz two years before Blue Monday but the best and nearest was the Osborne where a scary but kind manager would say “you lot again, well keep quiet, in you go!. Glory days! And long before the Hacienda!
Vinny Faal using his council Dog Warden van to put gig posters up at night! Stopped by coppers! “Are you putting posters up” he said…”Not any more” came the reply. Free tickets for getting covered in paste!

All gone for the most part except the Apollo which still gets the big names. New places cater for smaller acts, Band on the Wall on Swan Street is Manchester’s version of Ronnie Scotts, it’s been there for years and has recently undergone a revival of sorts, then there’s Ruby Lounge on Oldham St.

I’ve just found out that the Osborne, a shell for many years after it became a focus for a guns and drugs war has been demolished! Leaving me with happy memories of sneaking in through an open side door to hear the visiting band tuning down! I miss it enormously but the Manchester of my memories has long gone!

Bye bye Viridor!

22 Jun
Dreary looking bloke!

Dreary looking bloke!

Regular readers may be aware of our views on Viridor, a company that specialise in waste management. Until Wednesday they managed the public recycling site on Barkers Lane for Bedford Borough Council.

Viridor hit the headlines last year and again a week or two back as a result of their decision to sack three of their longest serving site staff at exactly the same time as they were seeking to win the contract for managing the site for another stint with the council clearly expecting the running costs to be reduced.

Sadly for Viridor they didn’t get the contract and have been kicked out without ceremony although Viridor boss Colin Drummond (pictured) did bag himself a pat on the back and a badge from the Queen last week.

The three sacked former employees of Viridor were given the right to take their cases for unfair dismissal to an employment tribunal, Viridor had tried to argue that a) their was no case for them to answer which would have knocked things on the head and that (b) the three sacked men should be made to contribute towards costs (and this would have effectively knocked proceedings on the head). The Tribunal chap disagreed with Viridor so we are on our way to a hearing! I must say I didn’t think that Viridor’s legal bod was very good although I gather he comes at a price!

Phil Simpkins the Chief Executive from Bedford Borough Council hasn’t helped matters by refusing to supply simple answers to simple questions although he has of late realised (not through me) that the three are being advised by the leader of the Borough Council’s Conservative Group. The Mayor likewise refuses to do anything other than talk bollocks!

Now there are legal issues here and I have agreed to remain to a degree “tightlipped” on certain aspects of this although I will state very clearly there are unanswered questions, well paid Council officers dodging these questions and covering up for health and safety matters on a public site and I’m not giving up.

In the meantime bye bye Viridor.

Black Marks for the Black Swan

20 Jun
The Swan, nice from the outside

The Swan, nice from the outside

Sorry, you’ll have to indulge me here. I don’t normally like having a go at people for personal reasons but with regards to The Swan Hotel in Bedford well I’ll make an exception.

We went to a do there a week or so back, the second time we’d had attended this year. The first time was a charity fund raiser and my “shyster alert” gene kicked in when I realised The Swan were milking those attending by charging £3 to use their car park.

Second time round, many attendees found the food to be dire and again the car parking arrangements to a bit fascist, coupled with a microbe on reception that seemed to regard visitors as an inconvenience well, I found myself well and truly on my high horse.

Noting some oddities about The Swans use of CCTV and their knuckle dragging attitude and stale bread I attempted to contact the manager, Dominic Mills. Now Dithering Dom didn’t return my call so I tried again a few times. I’m generous like that. Still Dominic Mills couldn’t be arsed to ring me back. So I’ve written him off as an ignorant twat with the personality of a used condom.

Oddly enough he found time to respond to a review I placed on a “Don’t go to this hotel, its crap” web site (although it was actually called Trip Advisor).

He’s now got another chance to ring me and if he doesn’t I’ve got something else up my sleeve. Apart from that I’ve just found myself able to direct some visitors from Canada The Embankment Hotel which is a much better place than The Swan in Bedford.

Now why am I ranting about this? Well Bedford’s slowly grinding to a halt and we have all sort of pompous silly f*ckers knocking around one of whom, can’t be bothered to respond to a phone call in which a pissed off visitor wanted to make comment. Rest on your laurels and you lose out Dithering Dom!

On the payroll!

18 Jun

Soon to be unemployed MP Nadine Dorries has earned herself a Bedford Bypass Gold Star for Services to the Piss Taking Industry by giving her daughter Philippa a job at public expense to the tune of £39,999 a year. The info is confusing as it says her daughter is also a full time student so when she’s not working for mum full time and is studying well she has to go pro rata and so only gets paid for the hours she works. Confusing eh!

We don’t know the exact amount as it’s a secret. Tim Hill who is a Lib Dem Councillor for Bedford and gets over £10,000 grand a year for making the odd comemnt has commented something meaningless about transparency! ZZZZZ

We never learn do we. We should have been marching on London three years ago when the expenses thing came out. They are all at it. Alistair Burt MP for the Bedford Bypass team (some at least) employs his wife. It saves interviews and gives them a bit of company they say!.

These people do nothing of any real note but they certainly do a marvellous job at having a laugh at our expense and if you can’t give help your daughter get through her university days without help its a sad state of affairs.

At least Phillipa might not have to struggle paying her debts off when she graduates.
Her mum on the other hand might need help as her seat vanishes at the next election. Here’s Nadine looking haggard and a bit like she’s been on the lash in Liverpool!

Mary quite contrary!

18 Jun
Praise be to Mary!

Praise be to Mary!

It would appear that this “Portas Pilot” business in which Government money and the guiding hand of Mary Portas is given to towns that are down on their luck might be a bit more involved than people know!
Now we’ve said before that Mary is one of those TV guru’s that grace our small screens giving sage advice to small companies that maybe should have put a bit more thought into their business plan in the first instance. We also have the hotel lady, some bloke going round pubs before they shut up shop, Ramsey going around insulting small restaurant owners. In each episode the “expert” rides off into the sunset having saved the failing business and we eagerly await next week’s episode when it all starts again.
Margate along with Bedford has been deemed bad enough to warrant a Government bung to try and spruce things up. People seem to be wetting themselves with the prospect of Mary Portas herself riding into town as three of the recipients will also end up jostling for TV position along with the other experts competing against people doing houses up and so on. Remember Animal Hospital when we could all cry over Tibbles and Bowser being put down? Trouble is Mary it seems has ridden into Margate with a blunt singular choice of allowing her Channel 4 buddies to follow her about as she imparts her winning formulae on the despondent High St retailers. It’s either that or she goes to another town and then these grateful down and outs get to become a star of the show. Margate isn’t happy, they have split ranks. Some are prepared to be walked over, other’s aren’t. Mary’s not happy either! How dare they!

So as far as I can make out government money seems to be tied in with banal TV that repeatedly opts for the same script, a cliff hanger as something goes wrong, smug / contrite grins, some expert looking concerned and finally a lesson well learnt. I could make a poem out of that last paragraph!
Mary came to Dunstable, a town with all the appeal of a slaughterhouse a few series back. Go there today and it’s exactly the same as it was before and during Mary’s visit. You can’t revive a town by lobbing tuppence at it and have a “celebrity” and a film crew roaming round. Last time we had a film crew in Bedford they were filming the town drunks hiding cider in the bushes behind the college. The rehab centre is due to close soon as they’ve run out of funding!
I’ve come up with a new concept. It’s called “The Job”. You get a load of people that haven’t worked for at least two years. Stick them all in a big house. Make them do song and dance routines, sell home made scones on the street, clean cars, pick up bloodied methadone syringes from the pavement on Midland Rd, plenty of demeaning stunts and at the end of it the lucky winner get a job. Nothing special, just a soddin boring job. The night shift at the Esso garage on London Rd! Six days a week! Slogan….Your Tired!
Look, I’m going for the lowest common denominator! Everyone else seems to be at it!

Sepharium Orb Therapy!

16 Jun

Apparently the big craze in the City involves international companies engaging consultants to come in on huge day / session rates to teach “mindfullness and wellbeing techniques to your executives. Jon Kabat Zinn’s name keeps cropping up.

A stressed worker

A stressed worker

Not to miss out on what seems like a rich seam, here at BedfordBypass we are prepared after some consideration to reveal the secret of the inner calm and tranquility that hovvers over our very being and essence!

The ancient country of Sepharia and its occupants have gone into history, lore and legend as being a great peaceful race of people famous for their ability to just…well…get on so well with everyone. Plunderers and pirates, warlords would arrive on the beach ready for a bit of pludering and so on and be instantly filled with a sense of calm! Swords down lads, we are playing hide and seek!

The Sephariums practiced an art known as Sepharium Orb Therapy. A sphere specially constructed from colours known to exude happines and release joy in the human psyche would be passed from person to person at gatherings. The Orb / sphere would capture bad karma and nasty intent and these would be captured before the orb was passed to the Sepharia Master, who would quite physically stab the Orb with a sacred dagger killing off the captured negative what nots contained within. I know what I mean!

Anyway, the secrets of Ancient Sepharia are now yours providing of course you have just £1000 to book one of our trained experts to come visit your workforce for the day.

The session begins with some relaxation tips and then as a group we partake in some breathing exercise to bring life to the Orb. Part of your soul it is believed will go into the Orb!

As we sit in a shape resembling the outline of the Island of Sepharia we then allow the Orb to visit everyone in the session by gently throwing it at someone close by, remember the Orb must never be allowed to touch Mother Earth, if it does our Sepharia Master will be required to start the process again so do your best to catch it. If you catch it twice..feel very special, you are blessed.

The Sepharia Master will decide how long the session lasts though if Gill is your guide this will usually coincide with closing times at Rough Trade Records down Brick Lane. If it’s me I’ll be visiting some special shops round Soho.

Remember Sepharium Orb Therapy will guarantee the wellbeing of your key personnel. Profits will soar, and you will feel so good you’ll want to book us again.

So for just £1000 your happiness is just an email away. Money up front as the Spirits of Sepharia will be angry if you waste our time, your lift will break down. Now it takes a lot to piss the Sepharium’s off so this is just for advice.

For an extra £150, all participants will receive a Sepharium Orb of their own as a souvenir, hand crafted in a large factory in China, these Orbs are genuine replica’s of the one that we will use in your session. Limited to eight per group though we will usually have others available for cash!

An ancient Sepharium Orb!

An ancient Sepharium Orb!

So don’t delay. Get in touch today! Remember Sepharia is a bit like Narnia and Oz. It’s special, you won’t find it on any map!