Archive | September, 2012

What’s in the skip this week Skip?

30 Sep

Hi Happy salvagers, Skip here, Skip Hunter by name, skip hunter by nature! That’s me! This weeks “goody” is something of a regular and a good way to start skip hunting!

Most if not all councils have newspaper and magazine recycling points dotted round town, cities and villages and guess what? Well they can be real treasure troves for old comics, music magazine, top notch porn and vinatge post war magazines. Now councils go on about recycling being dead good but we skip hunters also know about the waste heirarchy that actually shows that re-use is preferable so most councils leave the recycling bins easy to access so its simply a matter of going along, take your old newspapers, have a good old sift through and simply help yourself to the contents safe in the knowledge that you are supporting the nationwide drive to reduce waste!

Here we have this weeks bounty, an absolute stash of comics from the mid 1970s and what you see in the pic is just a few. A quick scan of Ebay shows what these are going for, better to sell them on in batches rather than singular unless you get some really old 1960s editions!

Free to good homes

Free to good homes

Best skips to aim for are the ones at the back of Tesco or Sainsbury, we’ve done very well locally but by far our most prized set of magazines dated from 1922, a complete set of 33 showing shelled villages across France and subsequent efforts to rebuild, before and after. Somewhat poignant as just under 20 years later many of the same villages were obliterated again.

These would normally have gone away, been pulped and lost but thanks to Skip and his pals with a market price of £100 in mint condition they are now sitting on a shelf in xxxxxxxx!

So if you want to start off skip hunting why not start off with regular trips to the local recycling skips! If porn isn’t your bag don’t forget our good pals at Now or Never are always appreciative of top shelf material as part of their Porn for Prisoners work, a much valued project to get that explicit material to those who need it most!

A bit of clumsy editing last time I contributed left some wording out, Katherine Hibbert was the author in fact still is the author of a wonderful book called “Free, Adventures on the Margins of a Wasteful Society” Like a guide book for Skip Hunters, its worth a read. Please remember not to damage or break into any council bins. Half of them are wide open and you can always reach in through the flaps..happy hunting!

Yours Skip!

Free Gift in this weeks Bedford Bypass!

28 Sep

Yes! Free to all readers this fabulous cut out and keep joke (remember to cut, paste and print first, do not attempt to use scissors on your screen). Place on the office wall, reliably told its been doing the rounds down at Police HQ!

Funny eh?

Funny eh?

 

(Only took 13 hrs to load this, good idea when I started)

X Ray Specs, help U C thru Lib Dem whaffle!

26 Sep

I blame my cynical and highly jaundiced view of mainstream journalism on the adverts as shown below. I grew up reading American comics, Spiderman, Batman, those sort. Inside there would be all manner of adverts for “wow” stuff, toys and the like that you just couldn’t get in the UK. X Ray glasses, a life size submarine for approx. £4.50. 500 bubble gum coupons and you got a little telescope that you could use to see the rings of Saturn, in daylight as well, it was that good, then a full size space suit, walky talky radio’s that worked across mountains. Dreams come true for little kids playing on waste land in the shadow of a factory next to a canal, using our submarine for amazing underwater adventures. Problem was it was great if you lived in Utah but they wouldn’t post stuff to Oldham. I sent all my Bazooka Joe tokens off to America when I was ten and was left devastated. I finally accepted the truth when I was 32 that my telescope wasn’t coming.


I so very desperately wanted a set of those X Ray Specs when I was seven so I could see Carol Carr’s knickers. Actually I’d already seen them as she could do handstands against the back yard wall but was equally fascinated by the idea of seeing through walls and looking at knee-bones. I eventually got a pair when I was fifteen, cheap plastic with a swirly bits for lenses. All they did (science bit) was show a blurred darker image inside the main shape and you couldn’t really make anything out. Swizz!

Happy memories!

Happy memories!

Invisible Ink!.Dennis the Menace would paint something with invisible ink and it would..well..it became invisible. When you actually get some proper invisible ink firstly it’s not invisible and it’s not even ink. When you are eight you don’t ever question what you read! Rodger the Dodger with his big book of dodges and ever ready evasive manoeuvres, Winker Watson, my nickname was something similar. Not quite though and embarrassing when kids called it you when you were on the bus. Bastards.
The Liberal Democrats have the same effect on me today as when I see the old comic ads. Total total rubbish, fabricated clap trap. I’m sorry he says, it’s not a confessions box where sins are absolved. What do you want us to say, tell us and we’ll say it, vote for us. Promises made in the knowledge (at the time) that it was of no importance until it came back and bit the slimy twat. Clegg sold out for power and that’s the single reason why the parliamentary party will always let us down. You give your right and indeed your ability to have any involvement in your own future each time you vote. You pass on your responsibility away based on the same sort of dream that kids have by the side of canals on ideas and concepts that are peddled out to the gullible.

Collect 500 tokens and meet Nick Clegg!

Collect 500 tokens and meet Nick Clegg!

He’s been doing it again this morning. Millionaire pensioners are going to be capped and have their bus passes taken away to pay off the national debt. When did you last see Paul McCartney on the bus into town. What a complete load of old underpants, yet the Lib Dem faithful are wetting themselves. Trickles of piddle heading off to the back of the hall just like at my junior school before we did sums. And this amazing plan isn’t for now, it’s for after the next election so the assumption is that there will still be a) a Lib Dem party and b) a hung parliament.
Hodgson’s doing similar round here. He’s just announced savings of over £6million, repeated so much that you can see the next election leaflet already and there’s nobody able to question where the figure comes from. Try as you might I can’t find any figures that make this stack up and it seems to be based on them doing nothing at all so it’s as real and tangible as my X Ray specs, as watertight as that submarine* so it’s “vote for me” I will lead you, take your brain out donate it to medical research and join the Lib Dems.

*That was a swizz as well, all you got were plans and a vague suggestion of wrapping cardboard up in cooking foil or “aloominum” as they say! Just cheap tat everywhere you go, people on the make, shoddy goods!

Next years car boot sale!

Next years car boot sale!

The End of the World…it’s coming!

24 Sep

According to the Book of Revelation (last bit in the Bible apart from the index) when Mister God has had enough of us he’s going to send forth the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. A bit more interesting than drowning us all like he did last time he got the hump and apart from Tom Daley and Ellie Simpson who could swim around till the floods went down we’d be stuffed if he went down this route again. With four equestrian themed demons to hasten our demise at least some of us might be in with a chance if we act sharpish and just get out of their way. Each dressed like something from a Hammer film and on a horse! Otherwise they would just be the Four Men of the Apocalypse I suppose, and very easy to get away from. And why men I wonder, surely there should be two women but I suppose they wouldn’t just ravage the world without question..hang on God why are we doing this?

Here they come, leg it...

Here they come, leg it…

Where was I…oh yes…Four Horsemen, namely Conquest, War, Famine and Death the running order changes over time and Pestilence is now one of the riders. Revelations says there’s another three that we don’t know about. I’ve not actually read it, I’ve looked it up on Wikipedia although some bits like the Scarlet Whore of Babylon, the antichrist having 666 tattooed on his head and more turned up in The Omen some years back and in terms of all movies based on the Bible like Moses, King of Kings, The Robe and Ben Hur The Omen is one of the best! that and Life of Brian.
I think another change of line up for the apocalypse quartet is due so under blackened skies, thunderbolts and lightening very very frightening, they should ride out, the Four Horsemen bringing with them Pestilence, Famine, Death and….Call Centres.
We have been having a spot of technical bother with broadband. Something that we would use very sporadically a few years back for buying CDs from the US has now become an essential part of everyday life. So much that when you can’t get online you really are screwed. Life stops. The world stops and you have a nauseating feeling in your tummy. Maybe that was the cake.
So you have a number to call when you hit the wall. Within an hour of pressing 3 for option one and the like the only thing that’s missing that could be described as useful would be an option to be put straight through to the Samaritans. But they try and talk you out of self harm and after three hours of talking to BT call centre people on the other side of the globe you really would be content to call it quits and end it all. Or if it’s not that bad then some form of self administered pain really does seem to be the only thing that might make things better.

That feeling of no escape!

That feeling of no escape!

“Pull the little electric lead out” suggested a nice chap called Prahmi. So I did. I had to leave it out for 30 seconds so he asked me what the weather was like, I told him, asked what the seasonal conditions were like wherever he was (they never actually say) and he just said they were in an air conditioned room with no windows so his life seems to be as bleak as mine when I can’t get on Ebay but at least I can go out with my coffee.
Prahmi sensing my Hulk like rage (not a bible based film but still good) he offered to ring me back. He did but just to tell me that the person I needed to speak to had gone home. Nice chap that he was he gave me another 0800 number and said he’d updated the screen and I should phone back the day after.
I did and after more number pushing I end speaking to a nice lady called Ramirah who asks me what the weather is like and %^&&*(*(*&&^^^%%%$£”!!!”£$DFFE%$^^%$%^&*&&*(**
Anyway I finally got back online at 11.30pm Sunday. I’m told the tablets should kick in soon and I’d like to finish with a joke (I wrote it, Debs thought it was good, no one else did!)

I went to the doctors to pick up my medication for my schizophrenia. When I got there it turned out that I’d already been.
To vote for this joke press 1. To let me know that it’s crap press 2, to listen to it again press 3, to listen to it again and again and again like my friends did on Saturday night press 4,

Porn Again Councillors!

21 Sep

Cllr Colleen Atkins and her pal Louise King are two of our favourite Councillors. A one time opponent and vociferous critic of the Lib Dems, a Labour stalwart since Queen Victoria was alive. She’s now on of the Lib Dem coalition with Labour and the rump of the independents. Cllr King it seems really wants to be an MP. I have rather scurrilously suggested that this group hug with the Mayor might have been influenced by the serious amount of expenses these geezers get which as far as I can make out is circa £20,000 a year. Maybe it’s just the warm altruistic feel of public service and this will end when the local Lib Dems seeks to ensure that Patrick Hall (ex MP) doesn’t get his job back, We’ll see!
Anyway Colleen has been engaging with the local press about Erotica, a shop on Tavistock St which is a purveyor of pervacious books DVDs, rubber things and according to Debs who’s been in for whatever reason, chains whips and more. Its licence to provide the good folk of Bedford with their rumpus requirements is up for renewal and as Colleen is of champion of Tavistock St she thinks the licence should be queried not primarily because the shop sells pictures and films of people banging each other senseless but apparently because she thinks the colour scheme outside the shop is garish. Not in keeping with a street dedicated to curry, cheap booze, on street drinking, pavement pizzas, the odd syringe, semi concious people in the wee small hours, several knocking shops for when the DVD player becomes boring and other less salubrious things.

The bright lights of Tavistock St

The bright lights of Tavistock St

Oy! Get up off the floor, it’s not that funny…Ok it is, we’ll join you with pained ribs! Anyway here at BedfordBypass we are quite happy to poke fun at whinging moral crusaders voted in by small numbers of people who then use this as a mandate to impose their moribund and sterile vision of the world on everyone else but equally we have looked at the garish paintwork that adorns Erotica and we do believe that there is a case for a rethink maybe. Here’s the shop front. It’s a bit “busy” and unlike most shops (the one next door for example) it doesn’t really “sell” what’s on the inside.

Erotica in the middle!

Erotica in the middle!

So we have come up with a few ideas as alternatives! What do you think? Also do you shop at Erotica or do you prefer the Private porn emporium over the road? The one that’s sky blue with gold writing? What do you think of explicit rumpy mags being sold in several of the newsagents on Tavistock St, do you think that Colleen Atkins is right or is just jumping on the bandwagon chasing votes from puritan righteous twats that want to tell you what you can and can’t read? Apparently the sex industry does a roaring trade when the party conferences roll into towns like Blackpool and Manchester!

Much better! How's this Councillors?

Much better! How’s this Councillors?

 

Another option?

Another option?

Change of heart!

20 Sep

We have ridiculed the Bedford Bid hoo hah about getting £50,000 grand from Mary Portas (actually its from the Government) to try and prop up the lacklustre town centre but after reading a press release about what they intend to spend it on we have had a change of heart. Like that chap on the road to Damascus before it all kicked off.

How Mary deals with p*ss takers?

How Mary deals with p*ss takers!

Apparently the Bedford Bid are going to spend some of it teaching locals to develop skills on citizen journalism which given our spelling mistakes (borne out of rash enthusiasm) will come in handy. They are also going to be gioving advise (seee what we said about spelling) on using WordPress so all in all right up our street. Brilliant!

Bedford Bid we adore you!, even that ignorant twat from the Bedford Swan Hotel.  (Ms Manners can you book two places for us)

(Pistscript: We always check for spelling mistakes. 100% goof free until we read it later when allsorts of errors have cret in. Does anyone have any theories?)

(Postscript 2: Look look…it’s happened again, see above, its says “cret instead of “crept” and “pistscript despite me prof reading it. We need help)

James has Spoken

18 Sep

Sound the bells, set off fireworks, hold your lighters in the air…wait for it…Cllr James Saunders of the deprived Kingsbrook Ward has actually said something. Honest!

Cllr Saunders

Cllr Saunders

James aged 17 was elected in May 2011 and at the time scored something of a coup by snatching the seat from the Lib Dems and boy they were fuming, more so as Kingsbrook is the Mayors stronghold. Recognised as an area of high social deprivation it’s an every day picture of life on a sprawling council estate.
James we are told had been angered by the Labour group selling out and jumping into bed with the Lib Dem Mayor in exchange for extra money for their elderly councillors and a free hand to get involved in minor and trivial matters. So angered was he that he held his breath from the day he bagged the seat and £10,000 a year expenses! As you can guess by now he was turning a peculiar shade of purple until a local issue came along of such importance that the vow of silence had to be broken. And now James has spoken.
Apparently Costa Coffee want to open a shop on one of those tediously boring edge of town retail areas up at the posh part of Kingsbrook, the locals are revolting as their long gardens will back onto Costa albeit on the other side of a four lane busy road, oh and they already have impoverished people coming to visit Comet, Baby Land and that computer place in droves each weekend). James has commented “ During a recession as deep as this one, any company wanting to create jobs is to be welcomed but the concerns of local residents and business’s must be taken into account!
Powerful hard hitting stuff and well worth the wait. Maybe he had a bit of help from the Labour Group Researcher who never gave me my Mark Steel book back.
Cllr Saunders has a track record that’s speaks for itself even if he doesn’t say much himself and having gone through the records last night I can’t find any comments of note from any of the meetings he’s been paid to attend apart from a Licensing Committee where he declared that he worked in a betting shop. I’ll put a fiver on him being trounced at the next local election. Some of his meetings deserve scrutiny, there’s not much point being elected to the council if you don’t get thrust into the heavy world of local politics and it’s very demanding. I thought I’d hit comedy gold when one Licensing meeting turned out to have lasted 10 minutes till I found two more that struggled on for four minutes each before our hard working councillors departed into the very early evening. Maybe I’m jealous and would like to be pulling in £10,000 a years for sitting at the back being quiet.
Meanwhile you can hear the sound of breaking glass from the children’s playground in Jubilee Park, sirens racing up and down London Rd, the police helicopter roams the sky and stolen motorbikes echo, there was a serious violent incident on Acacia Rd last week (witnesses sought), dogs howl through the night, James will have “earned” circa £40,000 by the time he gets replaced by a Lib Dem and life in Kingsbrook will continue with the same momentum as continental drift.

The Royal Tits

16 Sep
Kate's tits

Kates’s tits

There you go! Kate’s tits. Isn’t your life much better, you are complete. Breath again the crisp air of satisfaction for you…you have gazed upon the Royal Mams.  The same week that the entire nation learnt that there had been a massive 23 years cover up by South Yorkshire Police and the state  over Hillsborough, our attention was soon diverted away from this by Kate’s tits. Aren’t we so easily distracted. Yes we are. A nation that is as thick as pig shit. Over 100 people died, a massive cover up. lies, lies, lies, and Kate’s tits comes along to give us something proper to go on about.

A few years back when the media were camped out on Kate’s doorstep I thought it would be really funny if she came out with a brew and toast and just stood there watching them. Maybe sweep the step. Demystify the whole thing.

I’m going to take this a bit further and suggest that there should be an official photo of the Royal Tits and Royal Todger. Bit like when they have one of our sour faced Queen at Christmas. An official pic of Harry, Wills and Kate in the buff. Not all together mind though I’m quite easy! That’s it. Kill the whole thing dead. Then we get over the oodling and gazing and slowly we learn to focus on at the important things in life. The Police, that every ready tool of the state stood back while people died. Then they blamed the dead. Then the living, then Liverpool in general. We now know the truth, not of all of it. Something the anarchist and liberatrian movement have known for decades is that the Police service is an instrument of the state. Its a complex relationship which conveys favour and support both ways.  Cameron’s statement a few days back could have been made by numerous Prime Ministers over the the last 20+ years as they all knew. Liverpool knew and Liverpool dug deep and refused to go away. So it was inevitable that the current PM would be forced onto centre stage.

In the meantime if you want a decent topless photo of Kate Middleton who married into a family of parasites here’s one!

Off with her top!

Off with her top!

Syria!

14 Sep

You might prefer watching telly, talent shows or people cooking for people they don’t really like. You may however be interested or at least perplexed by what’s been going on in Syria. You might be bamboozled by what happened in Libya this week given that when Gadaffi got shot and then had a knife up his arse we all that that Libya would instantly become a bastion of virtue. Think again. If you nip over to the Beyond Bedford page there’s a rather good article from Schnews which distills the Syria conflict down quite well and simply!

I’d also like to thank Dubendya who works for BT (presumably in India although he wouldn’t tell me) who in an alien and quite frankly scary way was able to get into the BedfordBypass computer down the broadband line and sort a few glitches out. Mainly taking well over half an hour to get the blasted thing working.  This is why we have been a bit intermittent of late. Technology is not my forte although I was quite please with myself last night. I still remember taking photo’s and having to go to that developers shop on Silver St each Saturday.

What’s in the skip Skip!

14 Sep

Hi! Following the request for contributors to submit to Bedford Bypass, I’d like to introduce myself and my first article. The name is Skip…Skip Hunter and I hunt about in skips. Skip Hunter isn’t my real name, its actually Skip Toomerloo. That’s a dodgy joke. If you’ve read the book “Free” by you might be aware that tonnes of good stuff gets thrown out each day and Bedford’s no exception so each week I’ll be bringing you “Item of the Week Rescued From a Skip”. It’ll be something interesting and I hope you’ll keep coming back to see what Skip has found!
This weeks “Item of the Week Rescued From a Skip” is human remains. The stuff of those Crime Scenes Programmes or to be more precise Crimewatch and this weeks “Item of the Week Rescued From a Skip” isn’t pretend like on Silent Witness human remains it’s the real article. I didn’t know this at first and thought it was imitation. After a bit of messing about with the long leg bits good old Skip had the thing reassembled and was ready to take to the road playing all manner of jokes on people and getting up to Viz style tomfoolery and body related japes when someone pointed out that these were real human remains with no record of where it had come from… well Skip Hunter might just end up in a cell somewhere trying to explain why I had the left over’s of a 36 (approx.) year old female in a box in the car. It came from a store room at a health centre and it took a nurse to give it the once over before we realised that this skeleton was walking about probably in the 1950s.

Skip's new pal!

Skip’s new pal!

Skeletons in the good old days came from the third world where luckily for British medical students the mortality rate is high with low life expectancy and people were quite happy to sell their bodies to science. Back in the 1800s grave robbers would simply dig up your recently buried Aunty, take her down the Medical School and get a few quid. Now that’s proper diversion from landfill and quite commendable. Sadly if caught they’d hang you and give your body to the same school for free. Nowadays most medical skeletons are plastic or you can get some resin ones.
Anyway this little pearl of an item came my way as the owner had been advised that putting it in the skip could cause problems at the other end so Skip Hunter stepped in and took it off the owners hands. Maybe the column should be called “Item of the Week Rescued From Being Thrown Into a Skip” as technically it never got put in the bin. Discuss!
Skip knows the law and after chatting with those spiffing folks down at the St John’s Ambulance place on (oddly enough) St John’s Street and a further nice chat with an ex Policemen who works for the Bedfordshire Coroners Office, the skeleton has been sent to a good home and put to good use training people to identify human remains.
(for the purposes of this article, the removal of this skeleton from source and its placing with the Coroners Office was carried out respectfully and with the support of the Bedfordshire Coroner. OK I took a picture of it for a keep sake and some odd Buddhist lady from the Milton Keynes pagoda peace temple wanted it but, if this didn’t get sorted out properly then my names not Skip Hunter.

More skip related anecdotes next week with Skip Hunter as our hero finds a jar of anthrax round the back of the swimming baths.