Archive | December, 2014

Emergency Stop

22 Dec

Yes!  taken from an email along with loads of others. In fact enough for me to post one every day for the next 11 days. There’s eleven! The lion looking at a man in a tent is good, and the one of…actually I won’t spoil things!

The formaldehyde rushing to the head!

The formaldehyde rushing to the head!

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Where’s The Rev?

22 Dec

I was watching some TV show called Pointless which certainly lives up to its name last Friday. It was a celebrity edition and I had half an idea that former Tiswas presenter Sally James was involved although quite what she’s been doing for the last 30odd years is a mystery.

Reverand Carolgees

Reverand Carolgees

No sign of Sally but I did clock former Tiswas “extra” Spit the Dog with his puppet Bob Carolgees and it got me thinking. Now I’ve used this one before but local fire and brimstone councillor Charles Royden does carry a strong resemblance to said MrCarolgees and while Charles has a fondness for being assertive in the papers about dog shit Bob Carolgees is much more proactive and spends most of his time on TV with his arm stuck up a dog’s wotsit.

But then I started ruminating (pondering, contemplating, mulling over) about where exactly Cllr Royden has been lately as he seems to have vanished from the local scene. There was a brief mention of him a few months back when the council bought two enforcement scooters so the traffic wardens could scoot about but he’s been very quiet of late. Now I have heard he’s been promoted in some way shape or form and may be doing a higher level of service to the Lord God Almighty rather the Hod the Mayor Almighty which might explain things a bit.

Spit on the floor and he'll have you!

Spit on the floor and he’ll have you!

I had a look at the St Marks website and happened to notice that fellow Lib Dem councillor Wendy Rider is in charge of bookings for the church so the two Lib Dems for Brickhill also work together on a daily basis which will save on phone bills and I hope they car share when they go to Borough Hall! What is it about religion and Lib Dems (I have no time for either) and what do they think of Nick Clegg and his broken promises and dealings with the devil?

But that doesn’t answer my query as to where Rev Cllr Royden has gone! He might just be busy with weddings and weather related funerals but if anyone knows please let us know!..usual email address mcclintongill167@gmail.com

Bedford Borough where time stands still!

18 Dec

And here we go with another instalment telling you how those noble Councillors elected by you (if you live in Bedford that is!) are spending their time in exchange for £10,000 each plus an extra £10,000 if they are on the “A” Team!

This week we are looking at the Licencing Committee which has met four times this year and what an action packed series of meetings they have been!

ZZZZZZZZZZZ!

ZZZZZZZZZZZ!

The first was back in January (2014) and after burning the midnight oil they finally wrapped up after a staggering 10 minutes which kept nine of our brave and the bold busy. After that was one held on May 17th and I had to do a double take as it finished at 7.15pm. Now these meetings usually commence at 6.30pm but unwilling to believe that the meeting could have droned on for 45mins I looked again and was mighty relieved to see it actually started at 7.11pm so just four minutes. Phew!

Next one was 3rd July with nine councillors plus officers waxing lyrical for ten minutes and then after a staggering gap of a few months the next meeting on 6th November scraped home in five minutes and just seven councillors.

Now stay close! The meetings above are the Licensing Committee. There’s also something else called the Licensing Sub Committee but I’m saddened to say that for whatever reason they don’t tell you how long these last and all I can say is that the agenda is somewhat shorter than the marathon sessions listed so there’s actually a real possibility in a DR Who style that these meeting are negative i.e. Minus 4mins. And…Ok I’m actually talking total rubbish here but writing this blog from start to finish including research and a quick wee took me exactly 19mins which is near enough the same amount of time that that well reimbursed gang on the Licensing Committee spent talking about thermally induced atmospheric environments (hot air to me and you!)

In Which Debs Visits Cambridge

12 Dec

To most people, Christmas at Cambridge means the Service of the Nine Lessons and Carols. To Bedfordbypass, it is the annual visit to the Mill Road Winter Fair. This year Mr S was up to his eyes in anarchist furniture shifting, so I went by myself. Held at Christmas but of course not about Christmas, the origin of the Winter Fair was to celebrate the spirit of community.

Mill Road Winter Fair...Debs from Bedford Bypass was there!

Mill Road Winter Fair…Debs from Bedford Bypass was there!

The Mill Road area is considered to be Cambridge’s most cosmopolitan district. Starting immediately east of the city centre and including the train station, its Victorian streets hold every kind of restaurant, food shop and other small independent business – many of its second-hand books grace our shelves. On the first Saturday in December, the road is closed to traffic for most of the day and the pedestrian takes over. For once the cyclist isn’t king – instead of the constant background noise of bicycle bells warning everyone else to get out of their way, the pursed-lipped cyclist is forced to dismount and wheel the contraption through the crowds, looking daggers at everyone.

The amount and variety of food on offer, to eat on the street or take home, is staggering. There is a parade, samba band, lindy hoppers, tai chi demonstration, choirs, pop and jazz bands, workshops, buskers, guided walks, market and craft stalls, exhibitions, and of course the businesses do very well – for the charity shops it is the best day of the year. You can count on seeing stilt walkers, jugglers, and any amount of fancy dress. It will be well run, with plenty of loos and not a copper in sight. One year Mr S bought a hat that transformed him into a bear!

I stayed at home this year moving boxes!

I stayed at home this year moving boxes!

First port of call was the Salvation Army shop, one of the many charity shops as well as the Amnesty Bookshop that has helped to empty my pockets over the years. This was partly because they give out free mince pies, and I needed something to fortify me before I decided what was for lunch. Cosmopolitan or not, Mill Road has a number of churches of various Christian denominations, packed with people of all ages singing, chatting, buying and of course eating. One church has reopened this year after extensive renovations, and – oh look, they’re giving out free mince pies. Well, if you must. Over the railway bridge, and underneath to the Argyle Street Housing Co-op. The local anarchists are belting out that well known seasonal classic that sums up Cambridge so well – “Dirty Old Town”. In another charity shop, a mother asks her daughter in a penetrating voice ‘is this book the right edition, Flossie?’ Flossie.   Something you call the pet rabbit. In Bedford, a parent who called their daughter Flossie would either be reported to Social Services or duffed up.   This being Cambridge, no one notices.   I stagger out and walk straight into the parade. A bunch of smug-looking short arse volunteers with the St Johns Ambulance Brigade elbow me out of the way.

A busy day!

A busy day!

I reach the end of Mill Road that is closed to traffic, and decide to visit Romsey Mill, one of the many venues. I have forgotten that this is a charity for children, young people and families – and I am the only single adult. Feeling conspicuous, I sidle out as nonchalantly as I can, resisting the urge to shout over my shoulder ‘it’s alright – I work for the NHS, I’ve been CRB checked’. I find this irritating and depressing – a sign of the times. Walking along reading a text, I bump into a bunch of people blocking the road. I look up and OH NO – MORRIS DANCERS! What is it with these bunch of handkerchief wavers? They have nothing to do with winter – in fact; they are normally associated with the summer, when they take up valuable space in every pub car park. However, this being Cambridge, everyone watches in rapt awe as if they were gazing upon the Kirov Ballet.

Still got some left, mostly in white!

Still got some left, mostly in white!

Although it is freezing, the sun is constantly in my eyes and I am almost run over by a cyclist who had found a few square feet of space and was determined to cycle. Deciding that my judgement was impaired by lack of food, I visit a workhouse that has been turned into a residential home for the elderly. I’ve always thought that was incredibly bad taste – the older residents will remember a time when they were still being used as workhouses, and they are living out the rest of their days there.

In the garden they are doing a roaring trade with the usual distractions – a small band, second hand books, crafts, FOOD and yet more gallons of MULLED WINE. Why is nobody drunk? If this was Bedford….you get the picture. Inside, every available scrap of space has been crammed with yet more “retail opportunities”. Posters have been put up asking people to respect the residents and not make too much noise, yet it is a free for all – the great British public rampages through looking for stuff to buy, while the residents sit round the edges in their easy chairs probably terrified out of their wits. Or pissed off. Still, the spiced parsnip soup was good and the money raised will go to a good cause.  

Everything was going great until I got on the bus and read the guide book. The Mill Road Winter Fair is sponsored by a local estate agent. The Managing Director, out of central casting, penned the introduction in which he boasts about how successful he has been over the past year. He quotes how much properties are selling for in three streets, and it averages out at £500,000. Very nice for him and his staff on commission, and people old enough to have bought before house prices went silly and are now looking to downsize. Not for anyone else. Half a million pounds for a perfectly ordinary Victorian terrace is not a success story, it is a tragedy.

The Last of England

12 Dec
I have the honour of having suggested the worst rated film ever shown at Bedford Film Society..A Field in England which I thought phenomenal and I know I’m not on my own at loving experimental cinema so I’m quite pleased that we showed it. After close on 20 years of anticipation David Lynch has managed to bring us the missing scenes from Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me which I’ll come back to in the new year after Father Christmas has called by providing he brings me a Blu Ray player as well. In the meantime here’s a young Tilda Swinton in The Last of England. Derek Jarman’s 1987 film was a furious portrait of cultural nihilism in England in the 80s. “I improvised [the film]”, he wrote in his diaries. “No script. Scripts are the first restraint; the commissioning editor opens the mail and writes his hurried replies: ‘Dear Mr Dickens, the script for your new novel Bleak House is much too complex’.” Lynch is very much an improviser although he has an outline day to events shape much of his work!

Tilda Swinton

Tilda Swinton

Car Wars or maybe Stay Wars

11 Dec

From time to time we pop along the Bedford Bypass to the south of the County. Always something comical happening close to Cllr Richard Stay who has been a Councillor for Bedfordshire and now Central Bedfordshire since the Mary Rose first sailed. Richard shown below and looking quite a chubby boy has been championing action against nasty orrid car drivers / owners that park on grass verges because they are nasty and orrid. In fact here’s a prime example of how nasty and orrid they can be. There’s only one snag this being that the car in question is Cllr Richard Stay’s complete with personalised status symbol number plate to show how important and precious he thinks he is. For the “Directors Cut” of this item take a peek at http://www.caddingtonvillagenews.com/ where there are biggerer pictures and much much more!

“Of Course Parking On a Grass Verge is Unacceptable Say’s Cllr Richard Stay”

And it's not even his house, he's parked on his neighbors verge!

And it’s not even his house, he’s parked on his neighbors verge!

Of course regular readers of Bedford Bypass will be aware that we have featured the cuddly Councillor before. I’ve long found him to be totally arrogant and an irritant, two faced and he sits on his best one. When he was on the County Council I advised him that a particular project was being seriously mishandled and nothing happened. The eventual outcome was the project folded with sod all to show for it except a £3million black hole much of which had gone on consultants. And that’s doesn’t include NIRAH

You do wonder why these people get re-elected time after time but I gather our pals from Caddington Village News are up for a bit of serious opposition and Patrick’s wife Christine is standing against him. Poke him off his perch folks! Stay 2

One more time with feeling, here’s a well worthy link and its much better than our blog!

http://www.caddingtonvillagenews.com/

We’d like to hear from you…

9 Dec

Any snippets of gossip can be emailed to us at mcclintongill167@gmail.com . No dirt dishing mind! ….we are aware of the Borough Council officer and his indiscretions but if he wants to behave like that it’s up to him! No…if you have any good tittle tattle like senior Borough employees taking three days off between Christmas and New Year without booking them, managers employing their partners and kids without bothering to interview them, strange deliveries of bricks to private properties in Council vehicles…well that’s what we want although we may not be able to publish things as you’d like we promise to have a good look into things!

Them were the good old days!

Them were the good old days!

In the meantime here’s a blast from the past! It was about fifteen years back and for about a year you couldn’t drive into Bedford without driving past a piece of modern art designed to look like an abandoned car. This one was on London Road and was there for about four weeks. The artist responsible (presumably) kept removing bits of the installation like lights and interior bits and then inverting it or turning it upside down to precise. When the two elderly ladies that lived in the house next to it complained about the nightly tribal gatherings those cheeky monkeys at Bedford Borough Council told them they could only move it if they paid over £100 quid. Someone painted the Council motto “Pride in Bedford” on the side of it and it soon vanished but not before the Council press office issued a statement saying that painting on abandoned cars could lead to a prosecution! I admit it, guilt has been gnawing at my soul…it was me that painted it!

It all got quite funny after this with the Council proving itself to be totally arsing useless at providing even a basic service. Things are marginally better now. See how generous I am!

And quickly with elections due next May Councillors are bleating on about the state of the town’s traffic gridlock and council bin waggons seem to be a net contributor but no one’s made the connection as yet!

Yawning all the way to the office!

Yawning all the way to the office!

Chancellors Autumn Statement Explained Simply!

4 Dec

Confused by what you have heard? Stamp duty? Meaning what when you live in rented property, working in public service? Well let us explain what the whole thing will probably mean to you…

And where’s Nick Clegg when all this is going on?

Coming soon to a street corner near you!

Coming soon to a street corner near you!

Sleep in perfect peace!

1 Dec

Lower your stress through slumber offsetting.

 The world today is hectic big buzzing place and people from all classes are moving faster, more on call and busier than ever before. In this 24/7 lifestyle there are winners and losers and one of the losers are good manners. People don’t take the time to talk anymore and very often when they do interact it is brief and curt because they are tired. They are worn-out because they don’t get enough sleep and this results in an increase in global aggression and discourtesy not to mention road rage, honking and flashing lights as stressed people attempt to get somewhere four minutes faster . 

Our sleepy beds might look something like this!

Our sleepy beds might look something like this!

We at Bedford Bypass think we have a simple solution, more sleep. It is scientifically proven that we need sleep and it is a cliché that you can’t make up for lost sleep but we at Bypass HQ think you can. We recognise that this is not possible for everyone; the busy working mum, the stock broker and drug dealer must all struggle with sleeplessness. However just because they have a big sleep debit with the subsequent increase in tension in society this brings does not mean they have to be net friction contributors. Morally  you can still be on the side of the slumbering angels despite looking gaunt and distracted. This is our dream solution because we all know that time is money but money can be used to buy the time of others. It is easily possible to be money rich but sleep (and manners) poor, however the former can offset their slumber deficit by paying others to have a lie down on their behalf. In this way the global stress caused by sleep arrears can be lessened  and the BAD (Belligerent And Depressed) factor reduced. We call it unconsciousness raising.

We have a team of Specialist Tranquillity Technicians you can pay to sleep on your behalf whether this is a cat nap, siesta or full scale lie in Of course you can buy these for other people you think in need of extra sleep just let us know who they are for and we will e-mail them a certificate of slumber. The gift of sleep Of course this has the bonus of being carbon neutral as well. Gift Vouchers are available!

So please use us as your own personal Minister of Morpheus to be the unconscious angel to offsetting your sleeplessness. Each somnambulist specialist has their own sleep sphere and we will e-mail you a certificate of their doze when we feel energetic enough. You however can rest assured that we have fulfilled your slumber potential. Prices start at just £8.78 per hour for our Workfare team members and up to £24.17 for our fully qualified snooze Technicians. So email today for more details!