Archive | June, 2015

The Wednesday Competition!

24 Jun

Like we said this is the “new look” Bedford Bypass and to try and maintain your attention and get the hit rates back up again after our…er…their spring break….and our negotiations to purchase the blog…we are having a great competition. It’s just over a month, maybe five weeks since the Liberal Democrats were trounced, humiliated, leathered, wallied, ridiculed, decimated, battered senseless and general given a good old swifty to the bollocks followed by a repeated pounding in the general area of where their bollocks once were! Lovely wasn’t it! The pain on Cleggs face….oooh! Crawling, bootlicking crack smelling odious TWATS! Ex Bedford Borough Lib Dem Councillor and ex Weightwatchers groupie Dan Rogerson now an ex MP! Punch the air!!!!!

Bedroom Tax….Yes Nick Clegg, austerity rammed up our back ends and you just looked sad and nodded it through!

Anyway back to the fab competition with the top prize being a bag of Vegan chocolate Ooojah Boojah chocolates from Norwich. Or it might be a box! But what a prize it is….All you have to do is study the below photograph and in there you may be able to spot Nick Clegg and his remnants of his Liberal Democrats party. They are there but be warned, to make things a tad harder we asked 100 of Bedford Bypass pals to wear Nick Clegg masks and shuffle about looking gutted, lost, defeated, searching for Prozac and the rest of it! So go on and have a go! Just circle Nick Clegg and the rest of the insignificant TWATS!

Spot Nick Clegg

Spot Nick Clegg

Remember only one entry per person, remember to write your name address, burglar alarm code and credit card details on the back. We regret that we can’t return your entry unless you include £5! In case of a tie break please list your favorite three regular characters from Bedford Bypass! And another £5. Good luck!

Life on Mars! We are Not Alone….or are we?

23 Jun

Yes readers your new look Bedford Bypass aims to be fourth or fifth with news! And we have a hot story with Bedford Bypass being the first bringing you an exclusive of sorts….or least exclusive as far as being the first low rate blog to repeat the story several days after the Daily Express!

It’s true….the NASA Curiosity Rover has sent back a number of intriguing images from Mars which certainly make you think that (to quote Star Trek) “We are not alone”.

Here’s the one that’s causing a fair bit of fuss and to give it its dues I can’t argue that its a pyramid shape. Some of the nationals have referred to it as a UFO. It’s not flying and its not particularly unidentified. Its a big rock and its stationary. So its not a UFO! But it looks good! And its got people going!

Well I'm convinced! That's a pyramid, no doubt about it!

Well I’m convinced! That’s a pyramid, no doubt about it!

But coming hot on the heels of the “pyramid” and the photo shown here has been rejigged a bit (not by us) as the original showed the whole thing to be on a slope and with a proposed scale of about 2cm, there’s more!

Later photo’s appear to show something that could at a push be said to show or at least intimate some kind of ancient settlement. Yes siree, enough evidence in vague lines, shapes and shadows to suggest hat while Mars may be devoid of life now, that may not always have been the case!

Now its all very subjective and some people might look at the image shown below and see something, others may not. And that;s the main problem, if you study the image long enough and if you really want to believe that we are not alone then it’s not hard to make shapes where they don’t exist! We were talking about last week at Bedford Skeptics in The Pub although we were talking about ghosts and not life on Mars so I don’t know why I mentioned this to be honest. Anyway, study the image! Be objective, don’t just “believe” this isn’t X Files, it’s a serious issue, are we the only form of sentient life in the universe, in fact do WE actually count as sentient life or are we merely fooling ourselves! (p.s. Does anybody understand what the fuck Agents of Shield on C5 (Fridays) is about, it started off straightforward but the went skyward…probably to Mars!

Lines in the sand!

Lines in the sand!

Under New Management!

22 Jun

Yes Indeed! After months of negotiation Bedford Bypass is under new ownership! Out with the old and in with the new! No more of this “anarchist” rubbish and dissing our beautiful vibrant town center at every opportunity, the new look Bedford Bypass will be a “down your throat” celebration of all that is good about our pretty riverside town, the one that is beautiful and vibrant!

If it good about Bedford we will publish it!

If it good about Bedford we will publish it!

So what can you expect? Well up and coming features will include interviews with people that make our town what it is and we have lined up on street chats with the rather bored looking traffic warden (or civil enforcement chap) that is assigned to hanging round the bus station waiting to pounce on car driving people that dare stray into places that are forbidden, and we hope to go out on patrol with the Dog Squad that are now fining evil dog walkers who sneer in the face of the law and let Fido wander about! AND IT GETS BETTER… we are like all of you hoping that ex Liberal Democrat Councillor Paul Prescod is acquitted of allegedly sexual assaulting someone by allegedly inserting something somewhere and when his innocence is proven we will be leading the charge to have  him reinserted onto the council! Or should that be “into”? Apparently he didn’t turn up for his court appearance last week!

We will also be showing our support for all our local councillors who do a fantastic job of agreeing with whatever the Mayor says and does, this includes Doug McMurdo who retained his seat despite twatting some young kids…teenagers actually and we all know what they can be like don’t we! We won’t be constantly going on about Councillors expenses…you don’t want to know about Colleen Atkins being paid £16,000 grand for her “job” chairing fire brigade meetings on top of her £20odd grand for supporting the Mayor! No you want good news, like how fantastic the new bus station is now that they’ve fastened a new plastic bit on top that says “Welcome to Bedford”, and the new Tourist Information Centre that is there to say goodbye to all the people going shopping somewhere nice! It’s much better now that they’ve got rid of all the leaflets and historical tat, making it much more functional by concentrating on telling people where to get the bus to Milton Keynes as to be honest it’s not all that clear which bus you have to get on! And one of the X5 Stagecoach Drivers is a bit of a misery guts!

And it’s all change at Police HQ as Chief Constable Paul is moving on after a grand stint in charge of just under two years, almost as long as the one before!  Now then, the last sarcastic dole faced proprietors of Bedford Bypass made the not very funny comment that the Chief Constable changes more frequently than Dr Who which is frankly…very true but misses the point which is that er….well, we will miss her so bye bye Collette (check that this is the right first name before you publish this or you are sacked you zero hours (and zero pay) trainee!

Doing his job to keep us safe!

Doing his job to keep us safe!

And we will be publishing your pictures as it saves having to write stuff and anyway if we promise to publish your pictures the hit rates should go up. Pictures of cats are nice and if you have a nice picture of your nice cat, or your nice neighbors nice cat, or just any random nice cat you come across (preferably alive and not flat at the side of the road) send it to us marked “Nice Cat of the Week” competition and you could win an invite for afternoon tea for two at the Swan Hotel (terms and conditions apply*)!

So there we are, remember there will be updates daily or maybe weekly depending on numerous external factors, and IT’S GOING TO BE GOOD NEWS from now on (or until further notice) so keep coming back!

We will at a push accept nice pictures of nice puppies!

We will at a push accept nice pictures of nice puppies!

 

(Competition Terms and Conditions: If you win with a nice picture of a nice cat we will send you the invite but the actual cost of the afternoon tea is down to you. It’s a bit pricey, I took Abigail there when she left, you get a brew, a few biscuits that looked to have been made by under fives and that funny lumpy sugar, and where we sat stank of chlorine from the spa)