Tag Archives: Alan Beith MP

Celebrate Mothers Day in Style

11 Mar

It’s Mother’s Day coming up so don’t forget! I’ve forgiven my Ma for putting me up for adoption and arranging for me to be shipped out from Liverpool to Manchester just as the Beatles and Merseysound was kicking off. Mind you I was in Manchester when punk happened so it all ended well!

If strapped for cash just cut and give to Ma!

If strapped for cash just cut and give to Ma!

Oedipus* liked his mum very much and to express his love he married her, killed his dad and then poked his own eyes out! Now that’s a bit extreme. Some flowers would do, maybe do the washing up, take her out for a garden centre Sunday lunch at that place near the landfill site! That sort of thing! (*from the set of Theban plays by Sophocles: Oedipus the King, Oedipus at Colonus, and Antigone**) ((*Not that I’ve read them I just nicked this bit from Wikipedia)) ((( When I say “this bit” I meant the bit about the set of Theban plays by Sophocles: Oedipus the King, Oedipus at Colonus, and Antigone))) Why has it come out in red?

Make your old lady feel special!

Make your old lady feel special!


Alright Jack Straw

24 Feb

So it’s goodbye to Rifkind the walking cess pit who was as of yesterday going to fight fight fight these scurrilious allegations that hit the headlines with the most scurrilous being the comment about his self employed status. What an elephant size arse he is! Actually he’s an insipid little man.

No movement from Jack Straw as yet but as his nickname some years back was Jack Boots Straw, as atonement I reckon he should stand up straight while everyone who has suffered through the bedroom tax gives him a swifty to his bollocks. He’s allowed a few minutes breather between every 20 kicks to his testicular nether region. He deserves it! Let’s look at some sums. His additional income up to now is circa £115,373.00 (two amounts are predictive rather than actual) plus his salary of £64,000 and then all his other allowances to keep his ship afloat tots up to £163,000 for the last full year so you get £342,648.00.


Back in 1998 agit-prop comedian Mark Thomas took a number of disabled people with severe conditions like MS and Crohns to Straw’s MPs surgery to argue the case for more research into the use of cannabis for pain relief and other bona fide medical purposes. Straw acted like a total arse. When one of the visitors took a tin of roll ups out Straw walked out and the next thing the police turned up en masse as if responding to a terrorist alert….but you can’t arrest someone using crutches for having a tin of tobacco. Mark Thomas made the point that there’s an issue that needs debating here. At the time the key person in the UK who could have initiated this debate was the Home Secretary…Jack Straw. And at the time he’d just made an arse of himself on TV by jumping to conclusions and wasting police time. The clip is actually very funny! I have no problems whatsoever with for example someone with Parkinson’s using plant extract to diminish extreme distress and discomfort but I do have a problem with political fu*kwits!

Straw meets the public!

Straw meets the public!


Sleep in perfect peace!

1 Dec

Lower your stress through slumber offsetting.

 The world today is hectic big buzzing place and people from all classes are moving faster, more on call and busier than ever before. In this 24/7 lifestyle there are winners and losers and one of the losers are good manners. People don’t take the time to talk anymore and very often when they do interact it is brief and curt because they are tired. They are worn-out because they don’t get enough sleep and this results in an increase in global aggression and discourtesy not to mention road rage, honking and flashing lights as stressed people attempt to get somewhere four minutes faster . 

Our sleepy beds might look something like this!

Our sleepy beds might look something like this!

We at Bedford Bypass think we have a simple solution, more sleep. It is scientifically proven that we need sleep and it is a cliché that you can’t make up for lost sleep but we at Bypass HQ think you can. We recognise that this is not possible for everyone; the busy working mum, the stock broker and drug dealer must all struggle with sleeplessness. However just because they have a big sleep debit with the subsequent increase in tension in society this brings does not mean they have to be net friction contributors. Morally  you can still be on the side of the slumbering angels despite looking gaunt and distracted. This is our dream solution because we all know that time is money but money can be used to buy the time of others. It is easily possible to be money rich but sleep (and manners) poor, however the former can offset their slumber deficit by paying others to have a lie down on their behalf. In this way the global stress caused by sleep arrears can be lessened  and the BAD (Belligerent And Depressed) factor reduced. We call it unconsciousness raising.

We have a team of Specialist Tranquillity Technicians you can pay to sleep on your behalf whether this is a cat nap, siesta or full scale lie in Of course you can buy these for other people you think in need of extra sleep just let us know who they are for and we will e-mail them a certificate of slumber. The gift of sleep Of course this has the bonus of being carbon neutral as well. Gift Vouchers are available!

So please use us as your own personal Minister of Morpheus to be the unconscious angel to offsetting your sleeplessness. Each somnambulist specialist has their own sleep sphere and we will e-mail you a certificate of their doze when we feel energetic enough. You however can rest assured that we have fulfilled your slumber potential. Prices start at just £8.78 per hour for our Workfare team members and up to £24.17 for our fully qualified snooze Technicians. So email today for more details!

Fun and Games over the border!

24 Jul

The best way of describing last night’s Commonwealth Games opening ceremony?…. it was a “Happy Shopper” version of the Olympics one from two years back. The impression I got was “Welcome to wee bonny Scotland, come on in, the fire’s toasty warm”. Policemen, council gardeners, office workers, students and crack dealers all coming together for an impromptu “open mic” session in the city centre, like one of those Disney films where half of London break out into a song and dance routine. Brilliant stuff! To tempt us none sports lover’s in we had a mixed bunch of comedians, singers, ex sports personalities from the 80s and that tedious John Barrrowman who proves you don’t need talent to be famous.

Barrowman did a routine bigging up Scotland, mentioning all the things the Scots had invented.  He conveniently didn’t mention the disproportionately large part Scotland played in the slave trade and the spread of the British Empire, an irony that won’t have been lost on the poorer Commonwealth countries. Rod Stewart crooned the crowd with a voice that would have had him booted off Britain’s Got Talent within seconds and by the time Susan Boyle turned up I’d wandered off to the Bedford Bypass creative writing zone tucked away down the garden!

Oor Wullie's message to the English. My bother has all the annuals by the way!

Oor Wullie’s message to the English. My bother has all the annuals by the way!

Then an hour or so later after Wiz had come a visiting to see what I was up to I wandered back and the whole spectacle was still droning on with hordes of competitors from small unheard of dots on the map doing the walk around wavy take selfies thing before being corralled into their own bit of the floor for two hours and surrounded by multi coloured dancers who must have been on Speed or Ecstasy to keep grooving freestyle like that for so long!

At regular intervals we got asked to text donations through to UNICEF for the children whilst at the same time we supply Israel with arms and I wasn’t certain whether I’d swapped channels and was on Children in Need as James McAvoy messed about with his phone to kick start the donations. The Queen was hanging around somewhere and having just had her £80,000 cash prize taken away for having a doped up horse she must have been well pissed off! Lets hope Borrowman had a fiver to lend her!

What was “nice” was that there was no choreographed finesse about the thing. In fact no expense appeared to have been spared. Either that or something had gone wrong but by far the best bit was two (that I saw) pre-taped appearances from Billy Connolly who gamely told us that he’d not been well but despite looking a tad frail delivered two corking eulogies to Glasgow as his home city, its lost industry, hopes for the future and its being a pioneer of simple little stunts that helped turn South Africa’s apartheid system to dust! Love you Billy, don’t go quietly..rage rage rage!

Where much of Bedford Bypass is written down!

Where much of Bedford Bypass is written down!

The leader of Glasgow City Council spoke…and for all the world sounded like some sort of Dr Who villain ready to press the “destroy ” button and then more comedy gold. There’d been some sort of disjointed scrum down on the stadium floor with people grabbing a single baton off each other. At least in the Olympics they’d had mass produced torches but for Glasgow just one wooden thing, if you touched it your ailments vanished. Maybe! The baton had a note inside. That the Queen put in last year. And its been round the world since then. And they couldn’t open it. Marm stood there watching attempts to get the top off, I was waiting for her to grab it off Chris Hoy and show them how but then it struck me that if she was waiting to read the note, as she wrote it she could have just had a rough guess. In the end she declared the games open!

You'll not beat the Scots team when it comes to mooning!

You’ll not beat the Scots team when it comes to mooning!

One big happy family of competitors but Messrs Usain Bolt and Mo Farah from Richard Branson’s Virgin Islands weren’t there, maybe there’s an elite in sports, almost like its own royalty!

And now, for the next ten days we have a small army of people running hither and thither, some jumping over things and other’s throwing javelins and balls, maybe the odd caber! Then there will be talk of the legacy and we’ve both heard it all and seen it all before!