Tag Archives: Dave Watts MP

Alright Jack Straw

24 Feb

So it’s goodbye to Rifkind the walking cess pit who was as of yesterday going to fight fight fight these scurrilious allegations that hit the headlines with the most scurrilous being the comment about his self employed status. What an elephant size arse he is! Actually he’s an insipid little man.

No movement from Jack Straw as yet but as his nickname some years back was Jack Boots Straw, as atonement I reckon he should stand up straight while everyone who has suffered through the bedroom tax gives him a swifty to his bollocks. He’s allowed a few minutes breather between every 20 kicks to his testicular nether region. He deserves it! Let’s look at some sums. His additional income up to now is circa £115,373.00 (two amounts are predictive rather than actual) plus his salary of £64,000 and then all his other allowances to keep his ship afloat tots up to £163,000 for the last full year so you get £342,648.00.


Back in 1998 agit-prop comedian Mark Thomas took a number of disabled people with severe conditions like MS and Crohns to Straw’s MPs surgery to argue the case for more research into the use of cannabis for pain relief and other bona fide medical purposes. Straw acted like a total arse. When one of the visitors took a tin of roll ups out Straw walked out and the next thing the police turned up en masse as if responding to a terrorist alert….but you can’t arrest someone using crutches for having a tin of tobacco. Mark Thomas made the point that there’s an issue that needs debating here. At the time the key person in the UK who could have initiated this debate was the Home Secretary…Jack Straw. And at the time he’d just made an arse of himself on TV by jumping to conclusions and wasting police time. The clip is actually very funny! I have no problems whatsoever with for example someone with Parkinson’s using plant extract to diminish extreme distress and discomfort but I do have a problem with political fu*kwits!

Straw meets the public!

Straw meets the public!



Je Suis Un Bypass (The Missing Bit)

13 Jan

Extra added value (thanks to Dan although I helped by reading the email fairly quickly)

Do the Hokey Cokey then you turn around....

Do the Hokey Cokey then you turn around….

In Which Debs Visits Cambridge

12 Dec

To most people, Christmas at Cambridge means the Service of the Nine Lessons and Carols. To Bedfordbypass, it is the annual visit to the Mill Road Winter Fair. This year Mr S was up to his eyes in anarchist furniture shifting, so I went by myself. Held at Christmas but of course not about Christmas, the origin of the Winter Fair was to celebrate the spirit of community.

Mill Road Winter Fair...Debs from Bedford Bypass was there!

Mill Road Winter Fair…Debs from Bedford Bypass was there!

The Mill Road area is considered to be Cambridge’s most cosmopolitan district. Starting immediately east of the city centre and including the train station, its Victorian streets hold every kind of restaurant, food shop and other small independent business – many of its second-hand books grace our shelves. On the first Saturday in December, the road is closed to traffic for most of the day and the pedestrian takes over. For once the cyclist isn’t king – instead of the constant background noise of bicycle bells warning everyone else to get out of their way, the pursed-lipped cyclist is forced to dismount and wheel the contraption through the crowds, looking daggers at everyone.

The amount and variety of food on offer, to eat on the street or take home, is staggering. There is a parade, samba band, lindy hoppers, tai chi demonstration, choirs, pop and jazz bands, workshops, buskers, guided walks, market and craft stalls, exhibitions, and of course the businesses do very well – for the charity shops it is the best day of the year. You can count on seeing stilt walkers, jugglers, and any amount of fancy dress. It will be well run, with plenty of loos and not a copper in sight. One year Mr S bought a hat that transformed him into a bear!

I stayed at home this year moving boxes!

I stayed at home this year moving boxes!

First port of call was the Salvation Army shop, one of the many charity shops as well as the Amnesty Bookshop that has helped to empty my pockets over the years. This was partly because they give out free mince pies, and I needed something to fortify me before I decided what was for lunch. Cosmopolitan or not, Mill Road has a number of churches of various Christian denominations, packed with people of all ages singing, chatting, buying and of course eating. One church has reopened this year after extensive renovations, and – oh look, they’re giving out free mince pies. Well, if you must. Over the railway bridge, and underneath to the Argyle Street Housing Co-op. The local anarchists are belting out that well known seasonal classic that sums up Cambridge so well – “Dirty Old Town”. In another charity shop, a mother asks her daughter in a penetrating voice ‘is this book the right edition, Flossie?’ Flossie.   Something you call the pet rabbit. In Bedford, a parent who called their daughter Flossie would either be reported to Social Services or duffed up.   This being Cambridge, no one notices.   I stagger out and walk straight into the parade. A bunch of smug-looking short arse volunteers with the St Johns Ambulance Brigade elbow me out of the way.

A busy day!

A busy day!

I reach the end of Mill Road that is closed to traffic, and decide to visit Romsey Mill, one of the many venues. I have forgotten that this is a charity for children, young people and families – and I am the only single adult. Feeling conspicuous, I sidle out as nonchalantly as I can, resisting the urge to shout over my shoulder ‘it’s alright – I work for the NHS, I’ve been CRB checked’. I find this irritating and depressing – a sign of the times. Walking along reading a text, I bump into a bunch of people blocking the road. I look up and OH NO – MORRIS DANCERS! What is it with these bunch of handkerchief wavers? They have nothing to do with winter – in fact; they are normally associated with the summer, when they take up valuable space in every pub car park. However, this being Cambridge, everyone watches in rapt awe as if they were gazing upon the Kirov Ballet.

Still got some left, mostly in white!

Still got some left, mostly in white!

Although it is freezing, the sun is constantly in my eyes and I am almost run over by a cyclist who had found a few square feet of space and was determined to cycle. Deciding that my judgement was impaired by lack of food, I visit a workhouse that has been turned into a residential home for the elderly. I’ve always thought that was incredibly bad taste – the older residents will remember a time when they were still being used as workhouses, and they are living out the rest of their days there.

In the garden they are doing a roaring trade with the usual distractions – a small band, second hand books, crafts, FOOD and yet more gallons of MULLED WINE. Why is nobody drunk? If this was Bedford….you get the picture. Inside, every available scrap of space has been crammed with yet more “retail opportunities”. Posters have been put up asking people to respect the residents and not make too much noise, yet it is a free for all – the great British public rampages through looking for stuff to buy, while the residents sit round the edges in their easy chairs probably terrified out of their wits. Or pissed off. Still, the spiced parsnip soup was good and the money raised will go to a good cause.  

Everything was going great until I got on the bus and read the guide book. The Mill Road Winter Fair is sponsored by a local estate agent. The Managing Director, out of central casting, penned the introduction in which he boasts about how successful he has been over the past year. He quotes how much properties are selling for in three streets, and it averages out at £500,000. Very nice for him and his staff on commission, and people old enough to have bought before house prices went silly and are now looking to downsize. Not for anyone else. Half a million pounds for a perfectly ordinary Victorian terrace is not a success story, it is a tragedy.

Chancellors Autumn Statement Explained Simply!

4 Dec

Confused by what you have heard? Stamp duty? Meaning what when you live in rented property, working in public service? Well let us explain what the whole thing will probably mean to you…

And where’s Nick Clegg when all this is going on?

Coming soon to a street corner near you!

Coming soon to a street corner near you!

Sleep in perfect peace!

1 Dec

Lower your stress through slumber offsetting.

 The world today is hectic big buzzing place and people from all classes are moving faster, more on call and busier than ever before. In this 24/7 lifestyle there are winners and losers and one of the losers are good manners. People don’t take the time to talk anymore and very often when they do interact it is brief and curt because they are tired. They are worn-out because they don’t get enough sleep and this results in an increase in global aggression and discourtesy not to mention road rage, honking and flashing lights as stressed people attempt to get somewhere four minutes faster . 

Our sleepy beds might look something like this!

Our sleepy beds might look something like this!

We at Bedford Bypass think we have a simple solution, more sleep. It is scientifically proven that we need sleep and it is a cliché that you can’t make up for lost sleep but we at Bypass HQ think you can. We recognise that this is not possible for everyone; the busy working mum, the stock broker and drug dealer must all struggle with sleeplessness. However just because they have a big sleep debit with the subsequent increase in tension in society this brings does not mean they have to be net friction contributors. Morally  you can still be on the side of the slumbering angels despite looking gaunt and distracted. This is our dream solution because we all know that time is money but money can be used to buy the time of others. It is easily possible to be money rich but sleep (and manners) poor, however the former can offset their slumber deficit by paying others to have a lie down on their behalf. In this way the global stress caused by sleep arrears can be lessened  and the BAD (Belligerent And Depressed) factor reduced. We call it unconsciousness raising.

We have a team of Specialist Tranquillity Technicians you can pay to sleep on your behalf whether this is a cat nap, siesta or full scale lie in Of course you can buy these for other people you think in need of extra sleep just let us know who they are for and we will e-mail them a certificate of slumber. The gift of sleep Of course this has the bonus of being carbon neutral as well. Gift Vouchers are available!

So please use us as your own personal Minister of Morpheus to be the unconscious angel to offsetting your sleeplessness. Each somnambulist specialist has their own sleep sphere and we will e-mail you a certificate of their doze when we feel energetic enough. You however can rest assured that we have fulfilled your slumber potential. Prices start at just £8.78 per hour for our Workfare team members and up to £24.17 for our fully qualified snooze Technicians. So email today for more details!

GOTHAM? Riveting Viewing On a Monday Night!

28 Oct

Well then…did you see Gotham last night? Channel 5 at 9.00pm Nope!!!! Well neither did I. I intended to. I really did! But I thought I’d watch Panorama on BBC which started at 8.00pm. It usually lasts an hour. Perfect!

A dark city where even darker deeds occur!

A dark city where even darker deeds occur!

Riveting. A two hour dissection of the Haringey Council and the Baby P affair with more villains coming out of the woodwork than anything Gotham could offer. Dodgy misinformation from the Police. Ed Balls clearly trying to wriggle his way out of any responsibility. ZOK! The Sun organising a witch hunt, blame, violent anger, broken lives, David Cameron using the opportunity to his advantage and talking utter dribble and a small number of people being hounded by a mob who preferred to go for the easiest option of accusation rather than seeking out root causes (chronic underfunding) and rectification (increased funding). KERRANG! That’s putting it very simply and in amongst this melting pot was the earlier Victoria Climbie case the fall out of which made working for social services in Haringey as appealing as hand washing ebola safety clothing. BAM!

A kick to the Balls!

A kick to the Balls!

Highlight of the programme was the Met Police having failed to fulfil their obligations and ignoring obvious warning signs being exposed as having briefed ravenous journalists that the real bogey men were social service. KAPPOW! Posh boy Cameron popped up going on about a feckless 17 year old mum on benefits and incompetent social workers. She was 28 and OFSTED had just found Haringey to have made substantial improvements. Ballsy had a go at Cameron and was then shown trying his best to stay mates with The Sun! Sycophantic parasites the both of them! And The Sun..well!

Kerrack!!!!Worst of all was that Doctor (wearing a head scarf) so clearly not one of the gang as far as The Sun was concerned ! BIFF! She examined Baby P and failed to…FAILED TO notice he had a broken back. She failed! Ooooh it got Sun readers lathered up. But then a highly qualified doctor comes along and states categorically that having examined Peter’s small corpse the spinal damage occurred after the doctors examination. That nugget escaped the Sun pitchfork wielding mob. The doctors life collapsed. Total! It woz that Sun wot dun it! WHAM! Also ignored was the fact that an Ofsted report praising Haringey for the turnaround of its care service was conveniently shelved in eventual favour of one that was much more lurid and damning. Cue more anger from The Sun.

Twat! Serious twat!

Twat! Serious twat!

And then a heavily compromised and rushed report on potential failures of Haringey turns out to have been through 14 re-writes with the final versions being worked on by people not involved in the investigation. And all to suit one purpose. Ballsy turns up at a press conference and “sacks” Sharon Shoesmith. THWACK! Even though she doesn’t work for him. I’ve been told not to use bad language but Ed Balls really is bag of luke warm cow shit!

The previously highly regarded Mrs Shoesmith without any help from Batman and having to put up with death threats from Sun readers digs away at the mountain of lies and in true superhero fashion starts to be able to play a part in exposing a whole series of lies, deceptions, atrocious attempts to denigrate and boost paper sale. KERRUNCH! Sharon Shoesmith admitted failures in an open manner and she emerged from the sad story as having integrity which is more than can be said for Balls!

OOYAH! And that was it. Two hours of exceptional high quality investigative journalism giving people damaged by vested interests and a culture of connivance the chance to be heard. I recall at the time feeling overwhelming sadness but aware that people who may have been able to help identify corporate failures were being hung out to dry when it was very clear that they had gone into Haringey at a time when most people were leaving. SPLATT! Some agencies like the Govt with Balls in departmental charge and the Police clearly aware of their failings sought not to sit round the table but to stitch others up and retreat into the wings. Saddest of all was the fact that Sharon Shoesmith and colleagues were able to state that what happened to Baby Peter wasn’t an isolated incident from the view of front line professionals. Neither the first nor last! And as the credits rolled after an absorbing two hours the basic facts and figures on how many children had died in similar circumstances just made me numb!

Sharon Shoesmith! Integrity, commitment and compassion there for all to see!

Sharon Shoesmith! Integrity, commitment and compassion there for all to see!

Gotham is repeated on Friday. This Panorama needs top be repeated every night till we all realise the extent to which we are misinformed!

Situations Vacant…

30 Aug

Good Evening! As the “more regular” scribe of Bedford Bypass I usually require a script or at least a contribution, something of a direction before I turn the PC into Bypass mode and start typing. But not tonight! So with no particular idea of how this blog will end…or for matter take shape..here goes!

I have a sister. I met her when I was 28. Ms Manners is the only person to communicate directly. She’s a few years younger than me. Bedford Bypass needs Gill McClinton like a car needs needs insurance. She is my adviser and mentor. We have a pact that I will never press “publish” before she’s reviewed it. Tonight I’m taking a gamble as I’m in a naughty but safe mood!

Take the money while it's there!

Take the money while it’s there!

I have  OCD (undiagnosed) as far as music (CDs) books and related ephemera are concerned. I have plenty of other conditions (diagnosed) that allow me to safely say with certainty that I have OCD (undiagnosed) as far as music in shiny disc form are concerned. To help me deal with this stressful and at times expensive condition I can rely on Piccadilly Records, Recordstore, Rough Trade and others who send me weekly emails showing the wonderful bountiful offerings there for the purchasing thereof. Scummy oooh things without which in my life I would be the the equivalent of something that crawls away from an outside toilet seat when you shine a candle on it at 3am…

I got one this week…a book a by one Ian Curtis titled “This is Permanence” and its screwed me up. Ian Curtis died May 18th 1980 without any knowledge that his name would be ascribed to this book. But that endorphin rush kicked in. Like a junkie waiting for the next time that the needle would touch skin….Curtis was the vocalist in Joy Division. He was far braver than I in that he exited by his own engineering thirty four ago two days after my 18th day of cake and cards and I can remember the exact spot where I was when I heard. My city was monochrome. For many round the Manchester area he was a name in the papers. To a lesser extent he was the vanguard of the Manchester music scene as lead singer with Joy Division who after his death by self asphyxiation (hanging) became New Order, I’ve paced a trench as to whether I buy this weighty tome from Recordstore…….and after deciding some five days after the invite……that I needed book he help me breath…to maintain a heartbeat…….all 200 signed copies are gone….so the OCD gene that has haunted me for 30 odd years and delivered a complex collection of books, film posters, vinyl, and CDs has been thwarted.

He sometimes looks like he's just got out of bed. Come to Bedford!

He sometimes looks like he’s just got out of bed. Come to Bedford!

I have as of today…six nieces and nephews…with no offspring of our own and my own that I am aware of although I stand to be surprised (as my sister was in 1990) …..Back in a bit …The Cure are on the telly…..(this is a live blog….rubbish fretwork Robert,,,,call yourself a guitarist….)  where was I….I’ve written to them all, sent them books, notes, invites to read Bedford Bypass…free limited edition badge and not one of them has bothered to write back saying thanks so at the present moment in time 34 years since Ian Curtis sliced many people apart by what he did it looks my collection of books, CDs and rare vinyl in terms of monetary value are on their way to Greyhound Rescue…..with the exception of “So This is Permanence” as 200 others beat me to it although I bet the unsigned version will be announced soon!

Madonna stays in Bedford Hotel September 2014

Madonna stays in Bedford Hotel September 2014

So I have run out of steam….with so much to say but without the mental agility to deliver. Its usual a physical problem…but you have a picture of the Wipers Times from 1916 which this blog was intended to be about but well, you’ll just have to wait! Savea bit of time and google Wipers Times. Go on! ) Debs  I’ll see you Monday. Snooze time beckons…..

Bye for now….  Gill’s brother….X

A Spiffing Night Out in Glasgow

4 Aug

And after Saturday’s viewing of Night of the Demon I thought I’d never find TV as riveting again. How wrong I was. The Commonwealth Games totally eclipsed it. Topped and tailed by Lulu (Scottish) and Kylie (Australia via Wales) The two biggest stars were botoxed midgets but the real thing…Little Jimmy Krankie was nowhere to be seen. Awww!. Coincidence?

Casually observing while making casual observations I’m sure pint sized poppet Lulu was chomping on chewing gum whilst pint sized poppet Kylie’s headdress defied all health and safety rules and could easily have taken someones eye out. Royalty was initially represented by the fact that the keyboard  bloke from single hit single band Deacon Blue was a dead ringer for King George V although the real McCoy in the form of the Earl of Wessex although he’s getting to resemble Jeremy Hardy.  In fact, are they the same person?  After all, you never see them in the same room together.

A spiffing night out in Glasgow

A spiffing night out in Glasgow

I’d failed to make the Kylie connection..it’s because the next lot of games (not the Olympics) in 2018 will be down under. The Gold Coast to be exact. That said geographers will know that the Gold Coast used to be the name of the country now known as Ghana.  Therefore, to avoid confusion, The Gold Coast should change it’s name to the Surfing Coast or something. But back to jiggling Kylie she was rather flat..ooh er missus..no it was the Locomotion and then her most recent memorable hit from ten years ago. Good stuff for nostalgics. Or insomniacs..I was waiting for the news and the latest condemnation from the UN.  Can’t get it out of my head! To add a bit of edge, there should have been a live link up to Rolf Harris in his prison cell.  After all, he’s Australian and was a swimming champ before he came to Britain.  He could have given us a quick blast of “Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport”, after all his incarceration is costing the British tax payer a packet- he should pay his way a bit.  Actually, is he still an Australian citizen? if he is, couldn’t we send him over there to do his time? Bring back transportation! Never did Australia any harm and they get much better weather!

Everyone they asked said the same thing and I never want to hear the phrases “everyone’s been so friendly” and “Glasgow’s made us feel very welcome” again. And again. And again.  I can’t get it out of my head.  Chances are I won’t – need to now the games are over, they’ll all be back to their surly selves. The Commonwealth wall to keep the locals out of the way will come down and all the promised jobs will vanish but by that time we’ve twigged it’ll be the build up to Brazil, grinding poverty once again swept out of the way.   Chucking out time at the Glasgow stadium was a speedy affair and by the time the news came on the cleaners were in there looking for dropped money. I bet it was funny outside but they didn’t show this.

Traditional good quality Scottish music was represented at one point by the golden voice of Karen Mathieson from Capercaillie who I will admit to having liked since 1988 when as youngsters (as was I) they provided the music for a TV series called The Blood is Strong. I’ve traced my McClinton surname back to a loyal arm of the McDonald Clan crofting near the Kyle of Lochalsh (Speed Bonny Boat) but I consider myself as Scottish as the Isle of Wight. As the fireworks went off the crowd all seemed deliriously happy. I don’t think they could have coped with “Donald where’s your troosers”.  It would have blown their minds. I so missed the swinging Krankies though!

And so another day dawned and the descendents of all those responsible for first World War, those warmongers that stayed well out of the way  gathered to commemorate the fallen, those that didn’t start it, didn’t understand it and couldn’t get out of the way! It’ll be all over the TV for the near future in documentary’s starring Claire Balding!

Gill McC

Councillor misses a year of meetings..

1 Aug

Ever the sarcastic sods Bedford Bypass has gained a reputation for taking the micky over the state of Bedford Borough Council and the way that councillors spend their time.

In short each councillor gets an annual allowance of over £10,100 as a result of small numbers of people ticking a little box every five years. Then they get extra for taking on various positions of responsibility that are vital for public office to maintain itself, basically you get to be chairs of committee, Deputy this that and the other..that type of thing! The Mayor has singular powers but needs as far as possible to run a happy camp!

If you are one of the lucky few you get on the Mayors cabinet and bingo, house, jackpot, back of the net you can take home an additional £10,000 on top of the basic so you get retired teachers, practicing vicars and people that for whatever reason don’t actually work taking home over £21,000k for their kind commitment to public service. How grateful we are! Much better than being a care assistant and wiping some senile old arse for £16,200 wouldn’t you agree? But safe seats on the council are highly coveted to keep the riff raff out!

Servant and Master

Servant and Master, Labour and Lib Dem.

 To justify this ongoing tragi-comedy there are loads of committee’s some regular some sporadic, some which go on for hours and some which struggle to eek out 30 minutes. One such unexplainable meeting in Borough Hall is called the Sustainability Committee which meets I’d say four or five times a year. Not to be confused with the Environment Committee which talks about similar things for simalar lengths of time!

Cllr Shan Hunt is one of those councillors that has been on the Borough for decades, heroes to some, immovable fossils to others. Apart from four years in the political wilderness after being ditched by an unwashed uneducated Kempston electorate who should have known better she’s been a political force round here since 1986 and worth every penny of the £21,290 she received last year and the £69,658 total since she was voted in in 2011 by a staggering 652 people out of 2970 residents in her ward. That’s 21.95%, Alice suggests I round it up to 22%! I have done in support of Cllr Hunt’s public dedication. Shan is on the Sustainability Committee and has been so busy that she’s  she’s sent her apologies for not attending the last four meetings. In fact Shan hasn’t been able to add her wealth of knowledge to a Sustainability Meeting since January 2013 . Hopefully she will be able to make the next meeting this coming September 2014.